Betrayed & Dismayed. 

They say that hindsight is 20/20 and they’re right, if you knew the decision you made would affect you in a negative manner you would surely rethink that choice.  

The challenge I have with this is trying to get my head and my heart on the same wavelength. 

I make the choice to be a good person, to wear my heart on my sleeve, to give selflessly, and to look past far more than my head tells me I should. I do this, knowing full well I am only setting myself up for disappointment. I try not to have expectations so I can’t feel that way but it seems to be an endless goal I can’t seem to  force myself to commit to. 

I respect people’s space, time, privacy and needs. I know everyone is going through their own struggle and I try to remain as positive and uplifting as I can to do my part in making those struggles just a little bit more bearable. Sometimes I feel my good hearted nature is almost to a point that it’s a fault. I give people the benefit of the doubt far more often than I should because I do believe that people can change, and almost every time they prove me wrong. 

I don’t need someone to be a rock for me or to be a shoulder to cry on, I just want to be enough for someone. I want to be someone’s priority, not their option. I want to be thought of all the time, not just when it’s convenient. I want to be important enough to someone for them to make time for me, for them to genuinely want to know how my day is going, and for them to think before they make a choice that they know will hurt me. 

Unfortunately I have given far too many people the benefit of the doubt, thinking that just once someone may truly be like this. Looking back I can see situations where I knew the decision I made was wrong, I knew I would not be pleased with the outcome, but I still consciously made that choice. There are other situations where I genuinely did believe I was making the right choice, and now hindsight has proven that to be incorrect. 

This week has shown me a lot about people and how disheartening that has been. I have come to the conclusion that when you go above and beyond expectations it becomes an expectation. It’s expected that you’ll bend over backwards for someone, pick them up when they’re down, be that rock for them. The reality of it which I’ve slowly come to learn over the years is that the nicer you treat people, the more they take advantage of you. I know I’ve been taken for on multiple occasions, I don’t see this as a bad thing because it’s a small price to pay to see someone’s true colours. 

I will not change who I am, I will always be grateful for the good hearted nature I have been blessed with and I will always share that with everyone I cross paths with. I can only be responsible for my own actions and feelings, I cannot change or influence others. At the end of the day people always have to look out for themselves and as selfish as that is, it’s realistic. All I can do is eliminate those who betray me and take advantage. 

Reality. 

Love&Light 

Jessica 

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